When in the Course of Human Events…

…it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.”

Serious stuff, no? But like much of our now-forgotten declaration, it is “misremembered”, or just as often, never learned in the first place, or just as a box to check off during a multiple choice test. Our kids can get four points on a test for remembering that one was about ten years ahead of the other, but few of them can tell you what was in them. People don’t break away from their homelands as a matter of habit. They need to be pretty pissed off (and pretty convinced they have a workable plan for afterward)

So what had these people so angry? A lot of things, but clearly the focal point was a national leader named George. George, it seemed, was a foolish and wasteful person so set on a narrow goal of getting some political and business advantage for his buddies that he neglected the entire country around those items. Specifically:

• He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

Leaders of crumbling empires have a habit of doing that, it seems.

• He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

While this is similar to the first issue, it speaks more directly to the rights of local governments to pass laws or regulations relevant to local conditions and perhaps not relevant to other areas.

• He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.

This tactic has been seen once or twice in modern times; ‘we won’t require you to pass this law, but if you don’t, we’ll cut off enough funds to strangle your state within weeks.’

• He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.
• He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.

In our infantilized culture, you laughed at the last phrase, and completely ignored the very serious issue that it represents.

Fuck you.

There. Mad enough now to read it again without laughing like some five-year-old? Sorry about the name-calling but I wanted to get you to focus.

• He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.

Oh my. This isn’t a new tactic?

• He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.

Yes, kids. This really was written over 200 years ago. We had shambling jackasses using fear of “invaders” to avoid having their political control diluted even then.

• He has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary powers.

“Executive Privilege” used to take an entire paragraph to explain.

• He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.

*this* George made the mistake of coming right out and requiring judges to swear allegiance to him and leave the actual people they were protect at the mercy of large international corporations. Today, we are smart enough to find other, more discreet symptoms of that sociopathic lust for power in judges before we allow them to take national office.

• He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harrass our people, and eat out their substance.

Amateur. A real pro would have used those offices to market pestilence and effluvia as healthy choices for a patriotic, god-loving public. Amen! (and as an added bonus, you could manufacture dozens of new illnesses caused by the deliberate malnutrition of your people, and export their wealth to pay for new medicines to manage (but never cure) those self-inflicted ailments.

• He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures.

KBR. Blackwater. Lockheed Martin. CCA.

• He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil power.

Yes, friends. Our “founding fathers” thought this was a bad idea. But what the fuck did they know?

• He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:

Back in the day, there might have actually been some social benefit to this. Now, it’s simply a way make what would otherwise be a crime into a not-crime.

• For Quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:

Not really relevant to us, but, you can see how people might get upset about things like this.

• For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:

Or this.

• For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:

*gulp*

• For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:

Even better: work up a national advertising campaign to convince people making $80,000 a year that estate taxes only applied to estates with a net asset value of $10,000,000 or more is a regressive tax and anti-family. Yes, they’ll believe you, and you can raise their personal tax rate to pay for it.

• For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of Trial by Jury:

Check.

• For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences

Kidnapping and drugging, if need be.

• For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies:

I know. Doesn’t seem like a bright idea, does it?

• For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:

Better still to replace them with independent contractors, disposable, cheap, and plentiful.

• For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.

You want highway funds? Play by our rules. Right fucking now, asshole.

He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.

• He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.

I know this is hard to imagine, but people used to swim in the waters of Galveston, Long Beach, and New Orleans. The water was murky as any coastal river outlet would be, but it was not so poisoned as to be a petri dish for flesh-eating bacterium and heavy-metal laden fish.

He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.

• He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.

Sounds pretty fucked up. Even if you’re doing something this fucked up for the most noble of causes, you shouldn’t be surprised when people take exception.

• He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian SavagesMexicans, whose known rule of warelfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

There. That one just needed a little updating. Xenophobia has always been a big seller, one our own founders knew how to play. Nothing like an ad hominem argument to wrap up a good sales pitch.

Every day is Earth Day. Sorta.

So there’s nothing wrong with making just a very small effort to show that you care. Really. Won’t you lift a single finger to help?

A contrarian thought

Maybe, just maybe, everybody else is wrong.

I always like to keep that possibility in mind. The times I’ve done best in business is by seeing through emotion and figuring out how the perceived value of something will change. Not it’s actual value, mind you.

So while looking through the commodity indices for something pointing away from a financial catastrophe* I was struck by the way lumber and other building materials mirror consumables like electricity and gas. Makes good sense; if you’re worried about being able to buy gasoline and milk, you’re less inclined to plunk down your life savings on a new house.

But people do need housing. More even than cars, housing is the ultimate “deferrable purchase”, but one that’s still going to happen, mostly.

The question becomes, is there enough of a rebound in the market to make all the not-right-now people step back into the market, and get their first house, or move to a bigger one? The answer seems to be an unqualified “maybe”. Going out to May ‘09, the market is predicting a recovery to levels before the housing crash.

Ah. But why? Some recoveries are due to improving market conditions. Is this one? Or are the markets betting that the dollars will devalue that much in 12 months? Or that the cost of delivering the product will go up that much – perhaps due to energy costs?

I don’t know, honestly. But it’s interesting food for thought.

*I didn’t really find any. Closest would be a mild stabilization in the exploding food prices.

From the mists, two heroes appear.

It’s only Monday, and we have reports of:

• Food riots in several previously-stable countries
• $110 oil futures turning from a wildcard long-shot to a conservative hedge play
• Electricity costs quietly going up 60% over six months
• Natural gas ratcheting up 40%

These are not good things. Any one of them would make for a fairly nasty economic downturn. Taken together, they are the test of a well-managed country with a solid financial plan.

If you just had the image of a fireman spraying gasoline on a fire while using the water to fill his swimming pool, you’re not far off.

These things are becoming more and more difficult for average Americans to ignore. Daily, we are forced to look at signs of perhaps the most incompetently corrupt administration ever to grace any national office, let alone the White House.

It is time for drastic action. We need a to see two people showing us the path to safety. I have two in mind. A man and a woman. You know them, and you probably don’t see how much they have in common, but follow me, if you will:

• The man is a well-respected, charismatic public figure. While he has been criticized for some politically-incorrect religious views, many people surely feel the same way, even though they don’t dare speak out. Many of us have sat, rapt, through his poweful, uplifting speeches, working hard to fight back tears.
• The woman is often perceived to be an elitist radical, but if you look more pragmatically at her record, she’s managed to turn assets of otherwise limited value into business ventures almost obscene in their profitability. While she’s clearly made some mistakes that have earned her scorn from a vocal minority, she is talented in ways we may not have expected. You can’t argue with results.

What we ask of these two is sacrifice in the service of their country. Have no doubt, friends, that even four years will be a lot to ask of them; they may well be damaged, broken shells, having given their all to a nation that will never clearly understand their sacrifice.

Difficulty faces us from the outset here; these two do not understand the greatness that they could achieve by working together.  We may need to use guile even to get them to work together. But I have a plan. It pains me to even describe it, since it plays to the petty jealousy of one, and the absurd conspiracy theories harbored by the other.

This plan can only work with your help. We need to motivate these two heroes to draw our attention away from the trivial distractions thrown in our path by journalists everywhere, and allow us to focus on important matters of national destiny.

The plan, in a nutshell:

1. Leave cases of malt liquor at the driveways of Mel Gibson and Britney Spears

2. Start a rumor that K-Fed has been nailing a rich jewish film critic who was solely responsible for denying “Passion of the christ” a clean sweep of the academy awards, while giving advice on how to get more alimony.

Seriously, people. These are the only two who can keep us from reconsidering that third mortgage to pay for the 20″ spinners on our escalades.

Personal responsibility & citizenship

Americans have owned guns since the founding of the country. I grew up in an area where it was more the exception than the rule. A lot of that has to do with it being a big city. Even the most avid gun owner might be a little leery of carrying a handgun on a subway so crowded that violent crime is rendered implausible; you can’t exactly rob someone when you can barely move your arms without poking someone in the chin by accident.

Still, I own several guns. I own a very nice H&K that I carried for several years. Anyone who has an appreciation for solid, well-crafted mechanical devices can’t help but admire the way a quality gun is put together.

We’re all troubled by the horrifying acts of violence we’ve seen at Columbine, VA Tech, and dozens of others. I don’t know about anyone else, but I became physically ill when reading the stories of children in Lancaster, PA. How many people would ask a deranged man with a gun “shoot me first” in order to buy a few seconds that might allow the person next to you to live?

So here’s my proposal: You’re allowed to buy any gun you like. You’re allowed to carry it anywhere you want (I’ll let the property rights vs. gun rights experts work out the details). I’ll ask only one thing in return: Personal responsibility.

If a crime is committed with a firearm or ammunition that you’re responsible for, you stay responsible for it. Your gun knocks over a liquor store, you sit at the defendant’s table with the guy who held it. You leave a gun in your car, and it gets used to knock off someone’s ex, you get a needle, right after the guy who pulled the trigger.

Your kid brags about your collection to a friend who is having some emotional turmoil, you go to trial for the murders and the suicide. Premeditated.

We know that gun ownership is as close as we come to a sacred right in this country; it’s truly second only to the right to free speech. To allow it to be denigrated as a simple exercise in consumerism – high-margin toys for immature men frustrated by their sedenatary lives – would be a national humiliation.

Here’s your chance, ladies and gentlemen: America doesn’t need defending from russians dropping in on parachutes. It doesn’t need protecting from rogue cops kicking in the doors of minivan-driving protestants nursing a used car to save for college tuition.

Are you willing to put your own freedom and life on the line, to protect America from guns getting into the hands of killers?

Which is more depressing?

The fact that you’d buy “Hillbilly teeth” for your child, or the fact that it was yet another quality source of “vitamin L”?

20 years from now, many of these parents will be retiring, and still likely puzzled why their child still can’t get a job at the local call center answering tech support questions from affluent customers in India and China.

I’m a little annoyed.

I’ve been following the horrifying story of a young girl who, apparently, gave birth in a school restroom, and possibly killed the newborn out of panic, an accident, or who knows. This is in a state where abstinence-based education is a major growth industry.

On the same day, there’s a story about 400-plus children being put in protective custody a few hundred miles away.

These children were being raised by the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

I’ll confess to being less than a theological scholar; my studies of the Christian bible ended shortly after someone made the mistake of giving me a Catechism. Predictably, the next day, I had a few questions, the teached called on a nun, who called on a priest, who called on my parents. I was excused from bible study for the remainder of the year.

Usually, when you think of child molesters, rapists, and sexual predators, you picture creepy, 40-something guys in stained T-shirts looking puzzled when Chris Matthews asks them to “have a seat, right over there”.

Or maybe, we wince, and hope that the now-weekly stories of pastors molesting the flock are just blips on the radar.

Surely, no civilization would permit hundreds of little girls and boys to be raised as breeding stock. Not in one place. Not in the open. Close your eyes and make the image change, choke down the bit of bitter vomit that’s in your mouth.

It’s too tempting to use this as a fodder for a well-organized attack on allowing religion to be treated as anything but a mental disorder. These were live, human beings. The same age as my own daughter, who’s finishing up her math homework.

God doesn’t exist, or is a sick pervert. There is no third option.

Put down the $&*#%$ phone and drive.

If you would stop yammering on the phone about how worried you are about the terrorists, you might actually live longer. Yes, I’m talking to you, Mr/Mrs “I can drive just fine when I (talk/drink/smoke PCP)”. Really. You can’t.