It’s only Monday, and we have reports of:
- Food riots in several previously-stable countries
- $110 oil futures turning from a wildcard long-shot to a conservative hedge play
- Electricity costs quietly going up 60% over six months
- Natural gas ratcheting up 40%
These are not good things. Any one of them would make for a fairly nasty economic downturn. Taken together, they are the test of a well-managed country with a solid financial plan.
If you just had the image of a fireman spraying gasoline on a fire while using the water to fill his swimming pool, you’re not far off.
These things are becoming more and more difficult for average Americans to ignore. Daily, we are forced to look at signs of perhaps the most incompetently corrupt administration ever to grace any national office, let alone the White House.
It is time for drastic action. We need a to see two people showing us the path to safety. I have two in mind. A man and a woman. You know them, and you probably don’t see how much they have in common, but follow me, if you will:
- The man is a well-respected, charismatic public figure. While he has been criticized for some politically-incorrect religious views, many people surely feel the same way, even though they don’t dare speak out. Many of us have sat, rapt, through his poweful, uplifting speeches, working hard to fight back tears.
- The woman is often perceived to be an elitist radical, but if you look more pragmatically at her record, she’s managed to turn assets of otherwise limited value into business ventures almost obscene in their profitability. While she’s clearly made some mistakes that have earned her scorn from a vocal minority, she is talented in ways we may not have expected. You can’t argue with results.
What we ask of these two is sacrifice in the service of their country. Have no doubt, friends, that even four years will be a lot to ask of them; they may well be damaged, broken shells, having given their all to a nation that will never clearly understand their sacrifice.
Difficulty faces us from the outset here; these two do not understand the greatness that they could achieve by working together. We may need to use guile even to get them to work together. But I have a plan. It pains me to even describe it, since it plays to the petty jealousy of one, and the absurd conspiracy theories harbored by the other.
This plan can only work with your help. We need to motivate these two heroes to draw our attention away from the trivial distractions thrown in our path by journalists everywhere, and allow us to focus on important matters of national destiny.
The plan, in a nutshell:
1. Leave cases of malt liquor at the driveways of Mel Gibson and Britney Spears
2. Start a rumor that K-Fed has been nailing a rich jewish film critic who was solely responsible for denying “Passion of the christ” a clean sweep of the academy awards, while giving advice on how to get more alimony.
Seriously, people. These are the only two who can keep us from reconsidering that third mortgage to pay for the 20″ spinners on our escalades.
Posted by oopsmybad 